Well I feel that now it is time to tumble! I am getting closer and closer to going to Japan! I am really excited and a little nervous but I know that it is going to be a fantastic experience. I will be turning my Tumblr into a place where I share my life experiences and think aloud!
Some truly worrisome things have come up in my health recently and I am remaining optimistic even though it does not look good :) Well that’s all for now, Cheers to life!
Since I do not have any really close friends that I do not share with my wife I decided to write to you Tumblr as my fill in BFF. I just really wish I could break down and FEEL and just get it all over with. I am sick of my life situation at the moment.
I am currently not emotionally strong many large things keep going wrong. Earlier I was looking at my transcripts and paper work online,I may not be able to study abroad. I just received the news that I will not be able to graduate when they PROMISED I in fact have 45 more hours NOT including this semester. That was a huge bummer. It has taken me a very long time to be able to get my hopes up about anything and I did , I am not going to allow this to let my hopes die, however I will be more cautious in the future.
I am really sad and upset that right now in my life I only have one best friend and that is my wife. I have no other friends who I feel a close enough internal bond with to share ALL of my emotions. It sucks because she demands days where we do not contact each other period,which she has not gotten even though we do not even live together, she is the person I look forward to talking to every day. Right now I am not strong enough to make it through the days with out letting off steam. I am taking 3 classes with professors I sincerely can not respect with my full focus. Their teaching approaches and personalities make me want to bash my head on the table or yell PLEASE spit it out!! I only stayed in these classes because I thought I was going to graduate and these were the best times offered for me that fit my schedule and my majors requirements.
The original idea was to graduate in September 2013 apply for the JET program and go to Japan with my wife while she either did JET as well or began her masters degree at IUJ. JET is now out for me, it requires a bachelors degree, but Japan in September is not. What I now intend to do is continue in college during spring semester and summer semester as planned than study abroad , Niigata or Toyo universities, while also attending my college online.Although my wife and I will still not be living together. Having her in my life throughout the rest of my life journey will be worth every moment away from her touch, I love her very much. I only hope she feels the same way.
I am afraid however that communication between us has not been great recently. She has been sick since April 23rd with severe migraines her most recent migraine has lasted 7weeks now. The CT scan showed nothing and the pills she has do not help much, she says and I quote,”When I take these pills before I lay down it feels as if I will not get up again.” That is a pretty sad thing to hear, especially knowing that they only make her heart freak out and do nothing but numb the headache. However, she has started going to an acupuncturist and these visits seem to be helping. I am so worried about her but she gets pissed off at my worry so I try not to be annoying, to no avail. I want to tell her so bad that I am not questioning your independence or your ability to take care of yourself I just love you and want to take care of you for reasons that are both selfless and selfish.
I am at a loss of how to exist at the moment. I am in a major personal rebuilding portion of my life and I can not handle dealing with myself alone. My intrapersonal relationship is flawed so I have to talk it out loud, the only person I trust with all of my weakness and all of my strength is my wife. Recently she has been really selfish, for reasons understood. It just hurts because right now she is going through a lot both in illness and she is in a personal rebuilding time as well. The way she deals with it is to be completely alone and disappear for days at a time with absolutely no outside contact. I can not give her that at the moment, we tried for the past 2 days. Actually she told me I could send her a message,if I felt like it, summing up my day so I did I sent 3 texts and a skype message. Then I freaked out because the server for my college is down and purged EVERY ONE on campus from the college so ETSU for 2 days was only a college of pharmacy. My transcripts are messed up and my Orchestra classes are no longer listed in my completed hours, some classes have turned into W’s ( drops) and others into I’s ( in-completes), which is great because they are classes from 2007. Well I have no one else to speak to, she is it so I sent her a few more on FaceBook, which she replied to so I assumed she was beginning a conversation, nope shes pissed I contacted her so much. ( I still do not know how to feel about this)
On another note I am happy with myself in how I am handling being overwhelmed, when I am overwhelmed I do not know how to feel so inanimate objects that do not conform to their designated locations feel my wrath! While in the decision making process of choosing an apartment my wife pointed out that she was scared I would damage the apartment, break a cabinet or a door or glass. Well I have yet to break anything, slam anything, or punch anything. On the other hand my wife has had a few moments, I was just glad to see her take it out on something instead of herself.
I am sad and lonely I really wish I had a friend. I came to an upsetting realization earlier today I do not find anything to be wonderful any more or awe inspiring. I seem to find no wonder in the world , this may be an arrogant thought but the things I feel I can understand the concept of are boring. I do not find enjoyment in listening to music and bands any longer. I do not enjoy reading books for pleasure any more, painting is only good for a few moments of stress relief. I feel like I am unexcited about anything any longer , the only thing I find exciting is my wife she makes me feel like music, painting, biking and hiking once did. She borrowed the beauty from the world and it emanates through her like the sun shines through the tree tops on the mountain. This is a hard thing for me to realize, although it is so great for me and amazing I see another person this way it is a burden. I placed a burden on my wife and she may hear those words and think she has to live up to them every moment of every day. The truth is her flaws are what make her emanate. Her humanity , her unspoken honesty makes her real and to me what is real is what is most beautiful.But I do not know how she will take that, sometimes I feel like it is hard for her to be loved by me or hear anything positive.
Today I decided to go to meditative yoga, a free class offered at my universities gym, for the first time. I went laid my mat down the instructor indicated we would need an additional mat and a block because we were doing work on our knees, so I complied, got comfortable , and began to stretch. I had full intentions to stay and enjoy the relaxation that the meditative yoga would give me , until this girl walked in the room. She apareantly knew the instructor well and a few other people in the class, she proceeded to loudly boast about her life and her upcoming wedding, which colors are going to be light pink and white with a snow garden. Today was a good day for the regular routine, I had a monologue test in Japanese which I did well on, although I forgot the Senkoo Wa! However today was not a good day for meditative yoga, the bride to be had a voice that was rather displeasing to me to the extent I twitched when ever she spoke a word. I slowly removed my body from a stretch rolled up the studios mat, then my own and left. It felt good to be able to get out of an uncomfortable situation.
I then returned to my apartment and did some home work ate an apple, my work made me tense so I decided to turn on NetFlix to try to relax. When I lay there watching TV I felt an enormous amount of relaxation.
I hate this situation I feel like I am being pushed away , that I am annoying, I am smothering and I do not feel important or worth it…
I hope , I seriously hope that I am loved in a similar manner to the way I love.
Dear negative view on life we are breaking up I just cant handle it anymore I have some thing better and need to move on. Its not me its you…I am trading you in for a newer model and a new perspective on things.
P.S It was never good for me… I faked it…
( DISCLAIMER: I am not divorcing my amazing wife I am merely divorcing my negative view that has been prominent currently.)